I need to stop coming to work sober
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
