Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
