I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
