wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
