Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
