Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
