At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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