i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
