I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
