Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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