I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
