last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
