just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
