checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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