he thought i was a dude.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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