Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
