So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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