Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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