What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
