He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
