How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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