I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
