Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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