were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
