and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
