Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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