Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
