hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
