just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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