You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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