im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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