3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
