I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
