i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
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I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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