I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
