At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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