My friends, they love my intelligence
I will die if light touches me.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
