New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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