am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
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she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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