I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
