your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
