I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
