The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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