I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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