Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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