So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
