Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
