I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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