It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
