She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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