I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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