We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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