So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
