everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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