Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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