it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize