she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
