Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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