she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
